Oh my God, this really is about Campetition, is it? After all this time?

Ok, not that long ago. Funny, how time feels different, isn’t it? Such a lot has happened since, Campetition feels so far away. Like it had been someone else involved, some prior me I barely remember having been, you know? This whole…, don’t know how to call it, like, phase, episode, bracket, parenthesis, whatever, it was a bit surreal.

Not just Campetition. The whole bloody having-to-run and-nowhere-to-go experience, that’s so totally not what you imagine as part of your life. One day, you mind your usual business and ignore the bloody news as best you can, and wham, next day some freakin idiot has the fucking civil war come your way. And here you are, left with zero palatable choice. For me, it was joining the gang, like my older cousin, or run, run, run.

In the early days, I often thought “bad move, stupid me, should have picked the killer machine option, anything else is bound to be better than this shit”. You run out of money in no time, and then it goes all real dicey. No food, no shelter, no nothing. You end up glad for getting assigned some miserable corner at the toilet end of camp doom, and a wet sleeping bag to roll yourself into and cry.

Campetition was a big improvement, by comparison. A lady I was trying to schmooze up needed help with her own application video. I did my former Nollywood hopeful best and she was pleased, allowed me to create one for myself, and submit it, on her phone and data plan. At that point, I was so broke, I didn’t even have a phone, can you imagine? That’s so below zero, no phone.

And they picked me, of all available idiots. The lady was pissed off like hell, went so wild she even talked me into offering her my slot. But the masters of Campetition said no way, it’s either me or completely new selection process, zero corruption. “Ok,” I said, “than it’s me, but you tell the lady. I don’t want her brothers looking for me for shooting.”. And they sort of did, provided me with paperwork. More paperwork!

You wouldn’t believe how much paperwork there is, in this world. Never knew, me. Because, the amazing thing is, as long as you have the right paperwork, no one ever asks you to show it. But beware, the day you’re without, they’re all over you. And you run in circles no end: No phone without a passport, but no picture and passport appointment without a phone. Loads of no-hen-no-egg dadaism, in the weird world of the paper pushers.

Anyway, I’m digressing. So I made it into Campetition, and won. Dead slow on the bloody paperwork task, was so scared to fuck it up, but I got it resolved after all. Overall, I was still two seconds faster than the next idiot, and that was it. That’s a moment I won’t forget, me all blinking because blended by the spot full on me, and totally not getting it at first. There had been rehearsals for all the rest, who-goes-where-when, but not for this part, obviously, so I was like “What the hell is this now, where is this going?”. One hell of a pleasant surprise, can tell you that.

Campetition, ‘problematic’? Honestly, if you need to ask you might want to book a course on racism, sexism and classism. Just the basics will do just fine, to spare you future embarrassment.

Of course it’s shit, Campetition! Of course I would have preferred to get my visa without jumping through this kind of loops, like some circus lion. By the way, did you notice how and why there are no more circus lions in Europe? No such rules for people…

Campetition is shit, but I’m glad I won. And now that I’m in, I fully understand why they can’t just let everybody in. This place would be is packed. It’s huge, real huge, but not infinite….

Oh, you’re nodding now? Do I perceive a bit of relief? Oh, more nodding.

This was a trap darling, to check if you’re serious, about addressing serious wrongs. Not much wrong with Campetition, not as such per se. It’s the society that is rotten, and this show is just one of the symptoms.

My pleasure, always keen to enlighten.