„Thirteen, fourteen, fif… – what the hell! Gilda, I said ‚one by one‘, not a whole bunch in one go. Hush, hush, hush, everybody back, hush, hush, hush.“
They have been at it for quite a while, and Zoran struggles to keep the edge out of his voice.
Gilda, his new apprentice, is very new to the job, she‘s entitled to struggle. But being afraid of chicken, that‘s so wrong, and not just in someone who aims to work in a zoo. It‘s Wuhan chicken, ok, so large they wouldn‘t fit into the biggest everybody-now-go bag. But they are harmless. As long as they see the baseball bat, they won‘t attack. They know what a bat does to a charging chick. Pretty clever, the beasts. Their eggs taste yuck, but they are clever.
The last one is now back in the first enclosure. Time to activate his nuisance of an apprentice.
„Ok, Gilda, here we go again. One by one. Only one chicken approaches that door and goes through. One be one. The others see your bat and stay back. If even one comes too close, you hit it with the bat, hard. Don‘t be afraid to hit hard. If we have to loose one, so be it. They take ages on the grill, but they‘re quite tasty. Much better meat that the New York rats the canteen insists on serving every other day because they breed so fast. Don‘t be afraid to hit hard. Here we go!“
„One, two, three, four, five, very good Gilda, nice rhythm, six, seven… Gilda? Gilda? Just keep them coming, you‘re doing fine. Gilda?“
Starting to fear that something might have gone wrong, Zoran resigns himself to go have a look.
Are pack of expectant Wuhan chicken is crowding around the door to the second enclosure, where they know they will be fed. But zero Gilda.
Zoran waves his bat left and right, to clear the space around the door. The chicken disperse at speed. They get an experienced bat man when they see one.
No blood, no hair, no torn clothes or other telltale signs on the floor next to the door, where the apprentice would have been standing. Good.
Zoran would have been surprised, if the Wuhan chicken had feasted on his apprentice. They‘re omnivores, but no hunters. They don‘t go for you, they try to go through you, if you don‘t use the bat. But all recently developed species are less stable than the old ones. You get the odd individual with weird traits.
Like the bloody gnome cow that cost Zoran his left foot. Went maniac and rammed one of her horns straight through his calf. Colleagues barely hid their grins behind their bouquet when they paid him a visit at the hospital. A zoo keeper might loose a foot, or more. Accidents do happen, if you work with fierce predators. But being brought down by a gnome cow, that‘s embarrassing.
Except when in happens twice in one quarter. When Igor’s right arm got minced by that same gnome cow while he tried to keep her away from his calf, the team was done laughing.
Biologists were called in and performed tests on Slaughterhorn, as she was by now called. In full body armor, of course. Zoo keepers are expected to do their jobs in banal overalls. Scientists get to wear super light chain mail. The experiments revealed that Slaughterhorn only went mad when she smelled a particular shaving cream. Shave your legs and she‘ll go for you. Stay hairy, and she‘s as docile as the next nano puma.
The lab in Buenos Aires that patented the gnome cows was dutifully informed of the olfactory trigger quirk and a recommendation issued: No more horns on future versions. These animals are supposed to help school teach kids where the milk comes from, without the hassle and dangers associated with keeping a huge conventional cow. No to show them what their teachers legs look like on the inside.
The team spent some lunch breaks wondering why the issue wasn‘t discovered earlier. Subteam ‚mad teachers‘ argued that pedagogical professionals are accomplished weirdos that might not shave their bodies. Anecdotal supportive evidence from gyms was provided. Subteam ‚Slaughterhouse special‘ was convinced that their specimen is the only one with the shaving lotion trigger issue and must have suffered some trauma, perpetrated by someone using this by the way excellent shaving cream. The debate is still recurring, if rarely.
Zoran wonders how to proceed for the missing apprentice. She can‘t have been butchered by the Wuhan chicken, no accident to report, to form to complete. That’s good. But she‘s very junior, can‘t be wandering the zoo one her own, especially backstage. Bad things can happen to someone who struggles to fend off something as harmless as Wuhan chicken. She‘s his responsibility. Action is required.
Zoran decides to go find himself a manager, report the acute absenteeism, and find himself another apprentice or an intern to finally get the counting of the Wuhan chicken done.
Over at the office building Zoran is surprised to find Gilda already sitting where he had intended to sit, next to the robo-concierge filtering access to the few humans working in Human Resources.
The humanoid immediately reacts to Zorans arrival: „Ah, here we are, the other half of the issue tandem, very good. Please proceed to cubicle 3 for reconciliation and attitude development recommendations“.
Zoran only just manages to activate his love-to-get-managed face. Quite a feat, because inside, he‘s flooded with images of all the bad things that he‘d like to happen to Gilda.
Being hopeless around Wuhan chicken, such faults can happen, in apprentices. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be apprentices. But ratting on him, and forcing both of them to waste a precious hour of their lives nodding along to the sermon of the zoo morale bot, that‘s a crime. Calls for punishment. Time to teach the newbie a lesson.
With a jovial „After you, my dear colleague“ Zoran invites Gilda to enter cubicle 3.
„Please, do have a seat. So glad we can share this wonderful experience! Already feel the reconciliation flowing, isn‘t this great!“ Zoran doesn’t hesitate to exaggerate. He‘s been here, has done this, knows the robo-counselor. No sense of nuance, overdoing it will do just fine.
Gilda, forever the spoiled brat, has never been at the receiving end of outdated HR software. While getting seated on her side of the counseling booth she goes: „Oh come on, Zoran, don‘t you bloody pretend to be talking nice to me, all of a sudden. And that smile of yours, even a toy for a toddler would know it‘s fake.“
Turned towards the blinking camera she raises her hands and demands: „Counselor, he‘s supposed to teach me stuff, but he has no clue, and he makes me do menial jobs. I‘m entitled to a qualified supervisor, someone with knowledge and skills that I can watch, and interview. Not some brute fresh out of the woods…“
Zoran no longer needs to force himself to smile. Gilda is getting herself into trouble, and he‘s looking better by the minute. If he‘s really lucky, he might even get rid of her. Apprenticeships can‘t be terminated, but assignments can change. Gilda could be transfered to the roaming rodent section. Zoran imagines a twenty stone flying squirrel trying to take off with ten stone Gilda. And Nat from roaming rodents stuck with a mountain of paperwork. Might teach him not to block everybody’s favourite annual leave slot three years in a row.
Zoran is so happy he nearly fails to notice that the counseling session is ending. Turns out he’s only getting rid of Gilda for this one day, because she has to attend an in-depth solo session, for talking back to the counselor instead of reconciling. Not his dream come true, but better than nothing. It’s also time for the lunch break. So far, so not bad.