You’re asking me if if feel bad about this job? Really, honestly? You need to ask?! Man, you might have a problem, just saying. Of course I do feel asshole. That show, that’s exploitation, that is. Full blown, no holds barred, maximum warp exploitation. The worst of the worst, full stop.

And no free will involved, on the merch side, guarantee you that. Just imagine yourself riding a bicycle against the kind of rain we simulate by targeting the merch with a water canon. That monster, real proper police hardware, mind you, that monster is normally used for crowd control, like after football matches. Totally not like the shower in your bathroom. Hits you like some damned pile of bricks.

If your free will suggests it might be a nice way to spend prime time cycling against this kind of water wall, you’re more ready for the shrink farm than even me. And competing with a Campetition task author in that segment takes a lot, dearie…

Merch? Well, the dudes and gals. The fodder for the machine. Those you perform my tasks. In the politely polished words of our liar in chief, otherwise known as The Anchor, with a capital T and A, otherwise he gets you sacked, our dear participants. For us staffers who keep the machine running, season in, season out, the dudes and gals are merch. Merch, as in merchandise, dummy.

We get fresh merch at the start of the season. We bet on how far they go, how long they take to break. Oh yes, we do bet, too. Not on the platform, that’s off limits. The old fashioned way, with Jenny from makeup collecting the money and keeping it safe until payday.

Oh yes, this one lie is truth. Even we Campetition staff, as inside the machine as one can get, even we don’t know the winners in advance. Like everyone else, we can see who might have what it takes, and who only got in to entertain the audience by failing afap. But there’s always more winner potential merch than winning slots. Always.

Afap? Never heard? As funny as possible. Highest possible afap factor, of a task-merch combination, with zero risk of the merch getting killed, serious no-no on prime time, that’s what I have to come up with. Remember me the next time you lol, will you?